Self-sabotage and the uncertainty of……, a common thread through most of our lives. Even when everyone tells you otherwise.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently re-branded my Oriental Dance Studio due to the misconception of Belly Dance in the area where I live. To go with this re-brand and because it was so close to our National Women's Day, I decided to host a Ladies Only Women's Day Celebration.
Everything started off with a bang, major excitement from the Dancers, great enthusiasm for where and how we were going to advertise and how many ladies we could get to join us. Even a very unexpected benefactor and a wonderful sponsorship. Our initial intention with hosting the event was to showcase exactly what the Studio does and to educate the ladies in the town on the history of Belly Dance, as well as hopefully make a little moola to supplement the cost of our costumes for our year end event.
Well, we had posters up every where, or should I say businesses promised to put posters up, but the closer we got to the event the more we realized that the people in this town will promise you the world but seldom deliver. If it wasn't for my wonderful dancers and the awesome sponsorship we would not have made a cent. And the Ladies that did attend were mostly friend and family of my dancers.....so much for new business.
I had a major bout of uncertainty about 3 weeks before the event due to the absolute lack of interest (and boy we went all out with advertising) that I was seriously considering cancelling the event. If it wasn't for my SO's gentle reminder, "who cares how many people attend, those that will come will love it. And besides you are not in this for the money, you are doing this for your dancers". So the Show went on....
Everyone that did attend absolutely loved it (can hear my SO....'told you so'), but I don't think we will be doing it again, purely because of the uncertainty of the eventual cost and the lack of interest of in different individuals.
None the less we enjoyed ourselves, any excuse to dress up, bling up and DANCE!!
On the subject of uncertainty, exactly a month later in August, Marina and I performed at the annual Tribalation event. This is an annual event held in Johannesburg, South Africa that provides a platform for Dancers and Studios to perform and showcase various types of Tribal Fusion, ATS, Gothic Fusion Belly Dance and is supported by dancers from all over South Africa.
I love performing at the event and this was my 3rd year but as before that voice of self-doubt and uncertainty reared its ugly head. I set myself a challenge this year to perform a totally choreographed piece. Now if people know me they know that I usually only do improvisation....so this was more stressful than I ever imagined. I had that constant nagging feeling that it wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough, no-one would like it, etc, etc,etc....ad nauseum......aaargh!! What made it even more difficult is that it was Marina's first Tribal solo at the event. Last year she was part of the Studio Troupe number. This year she was choreographing her own Tribal piece, and here I was, her teacher, a nervous wreck about mine, having to be very strong and encouraging for her. Boy, I should have taken a page out of her book. A picture of calmness, strength and grace. Her solo was beautiful! Mine I will always find fault in and criticize, even though the crit's for it were good.
So in closing.......Why is it that a person cannot accept that something you do is good, that people like it, that you are good enough. Why do we always self-sabotage.....mmmmm. Something I am still working on.